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Revenge Of The Old Queen |
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Revenge Of The Old Queen THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW PART TWO THE REVENGE OF THE OLD QUEEN A FIRST DRAFT SCREEN PLAY OF - A MUSICAL FOR FILM - with BOOK AND LYRICS by RICHARD O'BRIEN and MUSIC by RICHARD HARTLEY TRANSCRIBED WITHOUT PERMISSION BUT WITH GREAT RESPECT BY JASON ALAN "P7A77" PFAFF - p7a77@rhps.com PRODUCED BY LOU ADLER AND MICHAEL WHITE FOR TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX ----- CAST LIST THE OLD QUEEN: A very large ROYAL grandmother who, although dying, is not going quietly into the dark night. She is not to be crossed and not to be argued with. She resembles an Elizabeth Taylor look-a-like that's been drowned for a week or three. Don't step on her winkle-pickers. STEVE MAJORS: He's a young(ish) guy who's trying to find the Aliens that were responsible for his elder brother going off the rails some years ago and winding up as a bottomless go-go dancer in Vegas. Steve is a very serious young man who very rarely sees the funny side of anything, including himself. No offense to Mormons, but he'd fit right into their missionary 'look'. LORD DE LORDY: First cousin to the Old Queen and next in line (he hopes) for the Royal Deck Chair. He's overfed, overweight, overdressed and oversexed. He flatters himself that he is a cross between Errol Flynn and Victoria Principal, hence the pencil moustache plus thighboots over his fishnets. GENERAL RIFF RAFF: A bad tempered, mean spirited opportunist, who is also the unknown (but suspected) killer of his own sister and the Old Queen's only begotten son, the late Frank 'N' Furter. RAY AMMBO: Head of a U.S. Agency which investigates UFO and extraterrestrial activity on Earth. He's really into expensive designer suits, ties, shoes and aftershave in a big way. He is also the possible father of Sonny. SONNY AMMBO: Sonny is an outrageous, smart, good-looking, charming teenager. He is completely without morals or compassion. Everybody adores him and he sees no reason why he should be any different. JUDITH BRANKMIRE: Judy is a beautiful, rather over-endowed young woman who is looking for Mister Right. Luckily for her and us, she meets him in the shape of Lord De Lordy. She's fun, she's smart, she's a honey-pot. JANET WEISS: She's around 35 or so, but looks at least 50. She drinks, smokes, dyes her hair, hooks and watches television, probably all at the same time, she's a mess and she's also possibly Sonny's real mother. MARY LOU: Ray's bright-eyed, long-haired, glossy-lipped, short- skirted secretary. Like Ray, she is also from the South. She ain't smart, but she sure is purty. VARIOUS TRANNIES: Subjects of the Old Queen. VARIOUS EARTHLINGS: Hotel staff, guests, diner workers and customers, etc. ----- We OPEN with the TITLES and a SONG which is sung by SONNY. Our visual image is of a journey through space from Earth. It is very obviously artificial and nothing more than a promotion video for the song. We see the PLANET EARTH. We travel through the MILKY WAY. We pass the outer and well known PLANETS. We hit DEEP SPACE. We approach an unknown PLANET which has no sun, only a moon. We skim its surface. It's quite gothic, natural formations appear to resemble tomb-stones. We follow a coast-line, the shore is black, the sea also. We enter a CAVERN and travel along TWISTING TUNNELS. We pass through OPULENT but FUNEREAL SALONS. All images hint of sex and death. We travel along ANOTHER CORRIDOR and finally stop before a GOTHIC-ARCHED DOOR. The song ends. We then CROSS FADE back to our first image of the PLANET EARTH. This time however it looks REAL, and in a blur of speed we repeat the journey we've just made, only this time it all looks very real. This will be underscored with both sounds and music which will, relate to, and round- off, SONNY's song. "THE MOON DRENCHED SHORES OF TRANSYLVANIA" SONNY (V.O.): LET ME TAKE YOU TO A PLACE OF SEDUCTION WHERE HEARTS ARE LIGHT BECAUSE IT'S NIGHT ALL DAY LET ME HELP YOU BREAK THE CHAINS OF SELF DESTRUCTION I'LL START ENLIGHTENING YOU RIGHT AWAY. SO IF YOU'RE HOT TO SPOT WHAT'S WHAT YOU'D BETTER GET A BIT OF WHAT THEY'VE GOT WHERE THEY DON'T LIKE A LITTLE BUT A LOT OF EROTOMANIA YOU'LL KNOW BLISS AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR'S AS WE KISS ON THE MOON DRENCHED SHORES OF TRANSYLVANIA IF YOU DELIGHT IN CANDLE LIGHT AND THE INFERNAL I KNOW THIS DANGEROUS LITTLE RENDEZVOUS AND IF YOU CATCH A BITE WHERE NIGHT IS ETERNAL YOU'LL FEEL A STRANGENESS COMING OVER YOU. SO IF YOU SAY (YOU WANNA) STAY AWAY FROM THAT SAME OLD GREY MAYDAY AFTER DAY AND YOUR GAME IS TO PLAY AND PLAY THEN I CAN'T BLAME YAH AND SO WE'LL STAND WHERE THE TOMB ENDURES HAND IN HAND ON THE MOON DRENCHED SHORES OF TRANSYLVANIA. (ANTHEM) CLAYMATION GROUP first time around, TRANSYLVANIANS second time. STAY VAIN IN TRANSYLVANIA STAY SANE IN TRANSYLVANIA REMAIN IN TRANSYLVANIA IT'S TIME AND MONEY WELL SPENT YOU ONLY LOSE RESENTMENT AND SOON CONTENTMENT COULD BE YOUR'S ON THE SANDS OF THE MOON DRENCHED SHORES OF TRANSYLVANIA. LET ME SING FOR YOU THE SONG OF THE SIRENS IT'S NOT UNKNOWN TO MAKE A GROWN MAN CRY WHY DON'T WE SWING IT WITH THE MYRAS AND THE MYRONS WHOAH MAN LIKE ONAN YOU'LL BE HOME AND DRY. SO IF YOU'RE CHASING AN UNCHASTE DISGRACE AN ANGEL FACE THAT'S ENCASED IN LACE WELL OUT IN SPACE THERE'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO FAN YOUR MANIA COME AND SEE WHAT THE GLOOM ADORES HERE WITH ME ON THE MOON DRENCHED SHORES OF TRANSYLVANIA. We stand before the GOTHIC-ARCHED DOOR again, only this time it's real. It swings open and we enter the dark room beyond. 1. INT. RIFF RAFF'S CHAMBERS. ETERNAL NIGHT. This is another of those strange, funeral decors. Again, natural rock suggests imprisoned monsters of Hell and sumptuous drapes suggest an evil decadence. RIFF RAFF is before a coffin and he runs his hands over it in a sensual manner. RIFF RAFF Oh why, oh why did you make me kill the only thing I ever loved in my entire life, you??? You drove me mad with jealousy, cut me to the quick with your shamelessness, how could you even look at another, when I was all you ever needed? And such a miserable excuse for a life-form as De Lordy as well. Oh Magenta, my beloved sister, flesh of my flesh, delight of my life, forgive me you bitch. It may be worth pointing out at this juncture, that RIFF is more than a little loopy. He lies on top of the coffin and begins kissing the head end. RIFF RAFF It'll be different this time my darling, I've changed, I'm not like I used to be, I'm fun, we'll have lots of fun together, you'll see, it'll be just like it was right at the beginning, when we were children, we can play doctors and nurses. Oh my love, my angel, you know what I want, don't you? Yes, yes, I do and now, now ... He slides off and starts to open the lid. The door to the room opens and the light from beyond falls across the coffin and catches RIFF looking hunted, guilty and furious. RIFF RAFF And what, the expletive very much included, fuck do you want? We PAN AROUND and see a very SMALL PERSON dressed in the manner of this strange Planet (which as we all know by now) is the Planet of Transsexual in the Galaxy of Transylvania. SMALL PERSON My apologies General Riff Raff, but the Old Queen requires your presence immediately. RIFF RAFF The Old Queen??? SMALL PERSON Yes, General, the Big Furter herself. RIFF snarls with rage and smashes his fist into the side of the coffin, a cloud of red steam escapes with a wistful sigh. He withdraws his bloodied forearm and stares at it in disbelief. RIFF RAFF Now see what you made me do!!! I'm sorry, my darling, but I'll hurry right back and make it up to you. SMALL PERSON General, the Old Queen is waiting. RIFF screams at this tiny creature with every ounce of hate that he can muster. RIFF RAFF Yes, yes I know the Old Queen's waiting, you told me and I'm coming, all right? He looks straight into camera. RIFF RAFF Right now. WE CUT TO 2. INT. THE OUTER OFFICE OF RAY AMMBO. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. We see STEVE MAJORS coming along the outer corridor and swing into MARY LOU's secretarial office. As we do so, we hear STEVE's thoughts in VOICE OVER. STEVE (V.O.) It all began for me the day that I heard a song on the radio about the moon drenched shores of Transylvania and things started to fall into place. So I headed on over to my Chief's office in order that I might tell him of my suspicions and about a plan I'd come up with which I might put a smile on his face, after all, he was the big banana and with luck I thought that I might be able to pull it off. MARY LOU looks up from her desk as STEVE enters. STEVE Is the Chief in? MARY LOU He is, but he's real busy right now. STEVE This is too important to wait. He waves what looks like a rolled up film poster at her, it is exactly that. Then, he heads towards RAY's inner sanctum. MARY LOU Hey! You can't go in there. It's too late. He's already in there. MARY LOU chases after him. Now RAY's office is a real sight. It is full of erotica in all forms, paintings, bronzes, books, etc., and on the huge T.V. screen there is a fairly explicit strip act playing and what's even worse (yes, it gets worse) the STRIPPER appears to have an extra something that doesn't belong to the female form. RAY is bent over his desk doing something with a rolled up dollar bill and some white powder. As the door opens he stands up real quick, the dollar still stuck in his nostril. The mound of powder, which is huge, goes everywhere. RAY is dressed in that very baggy, expensive Italian designer look. He's in his forties and is given to wearing his hair in a pony tail. RAY Who in the Hell are you? STEVE Agent Steve Majors, Chief, I have to talk to you. RAY Not now, Agent Majors, I've got a terrible headache, the only thing that cures it is this ... ah ... C17 H21 O4 N ... I's pretty hard to get and costs a fortune. He aims the remote switch at the T.V. screen and our transsexual STRIPPER disappears. RAY I don't know what's gone wrong with afternoon television these days, can't get the script writers I expect. STEVE I want to talk to you about that song that's being played everywhere, Chief, The Moon Drenched Shores of Transylvania. RAY's mood changes immediately, he smiles broadly and glows with what can only be pride. RAY Why didn't you say so, Agent Majors? Hell, let me call you Steve, you did say Steve, didn't you? ... Mary Lou, why don't you go pour us a drink each and while you're at it, see if you can rustle me up some more of my headache powder ... it's a great song that song, Steve ... (he sings) LET ME TAKE YOU TO A PLACE OF SEDUCTION. Hell I knew it was going to be a hit the first time I heard it. I said, "Sonny, that one's gonna make it all the way to the number one slot", and boy, was I right. STEVE You mean you know the singer personally, Chief? RAY Know him??? I should say I do. Why I've known him all his life. He's my boy. We go to a CLOSE UP on STEVE, he's astonished by this news. We hear the double beat of a bass drum, like a heartbeat and CUT TO 3. EXT. A STREET IN DOWN TOWN WASHINGTON. DAY. We see SONNY for the first time. He looks a treat. He has high-heel shoes and fishnet stockings on. On top he wears a leather jacket. His face is heavily and beautifully made up. He trucks down the street without a care in the world. He is without shame or embarrassment. We CUT BACK TO 4. INT. RAY'S OFFICE. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. RAY Yes sir, I sure am proud of that boy of mine, he's never given me one day's trouble in his life. STEVE swallows hard, he's on fairly thin ice here and he'll have to watch his step. STEVE Yes, I'm sure he's a wonderful son, Chief ... I'm just a little surprised that he's singing a song like that. RAY Why??? What's wrong with it??? Are you some kind of music critic or something??? I hope I didn't get you wrong, boy. STEVE Ah no ... It's just that, well, as Chief of this Agency and as ah ... this agency ... is set up to investigate Aliens and U.F.O. activity ... well I thought you should know that what Sonny, your boy, is singing about, is true. RAY studies STEVE for a while. STEVE sweats a bit. Then RAY talks and this time it is both quiet and cold. RAY I think you'd better explain yourself, Agent Majors, and I also think that it better be good. STEVE (unrolls the film poster) Have you heard of this film, Chief? It's called. RAY The Rocky Horror Show .. Of course I've heard of it. My boy, Sonny, loves it, he used to go all the time. STEVE So did a lot of other kids, Chief. They still do, but what they don't know is that it's a true story ... There are aliens amongst us, they call themselves Trannies and all they want is for us to become slaves to sensation. We hear that bass drum give that loud heartbeat again. And we CUT TO 5. EXT. THE STREET IN DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON. DAY. SONNY starts to sing a song that will go something or other like this. SONNY: LIFE IS SWEET ON THE STREET WHEN YOU'RE TURNING ON THE HEAT AND BURNING FOR SOME INDISCREET DEMENTIA AN EPISODE IN THE ROAD CAN CAUSE YOU TO EXPLODE AND THEN SAY 'WELL I'M BLOWED! HAS HEAVEN SENT YAH?' IT MAYBE HARD WHEN YOU'VE STARRED TO A HATEFUL BOULEVARD TO DISREGARD THE DETRIMENTAL CENSURE JUST SKIP AND POST HAVE A LAUGH FLIP THOSE FOES YOUR AUTOGRAPH AS YOU TRIP THE PRIMROSE PATH TO FRESH ADVENTURE. IF YOU TIC TACK DOWN THE TRACK AND RUN SMACK INTO A PACK OF GUYS WITH SOME WISE-CRACK AND NO ABSTENTIONS TO REMAIN UP IN THAT LANE CAN BE REALLY QUITE A STRAIN BUT THEY'LL BE RIGHT AS RAIN WITH YOUR ATTENTIONS A HAIRY MALE ON THE TRAIL IS A KIND OF FAIRY TALE REMINDING YOU'RE FRAIL WITH HIS DIMENSIONS SO HISS AND SPIT KISS AND TELL AND REMEMBER THIS BIT WELL THAT THEY PAVED THE ROAD TO HELL WITH GOOD INTENTIONS. LET ME SAY, SHOULD YOU STRAY DOWN THAT FETED GREAT WHITE WAY STILL PRAYING FOR THE DAY YOU PLAY THE PALAIS FLOUT YOUR PRIDE AND STAY OUTSIDE DON'T GET TAKEN FOR A RIDE FORGET IT NOT THAT YOU'RE A HOT TAMALE HOCK YOUR JOCK, SHOCK IN A FROCK GET THEM ROCKING 'ROUND THE BLOCK A FRILLY REALLY MAKES THEM DILLY DALLY YES I REPEAT IT'S A TREAT WHEN YOU'VE RISEN FROM DEFEAT (TO) FIND THE RHYTHM OF THE STREET'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY. (SONG TO BE FINISHED LATER) By the time he's finished it, he's probably made love to a few bystanders, beaten up the odd red-neck and wound up in the window of a lingerie shop with a couple of cops and several teenaged girls. We CUT TO 6. INT. RAY'S OFFICE. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. RAY I've been Chief of this agency for more years than I care to remember, Agent Majors and I've never seen a U.F.O. or an Alien that didn't turn out to be something quite normal and understandable. And, another thing, do you really think for one minute that monsters from outer space could ever corrupt the people of this great nation? Do you think that the young people would be weak enough, foolish enough, to be taken in by a proselytizing extraterrestrial with a mouth full of sweet talk and a dick that swings both ways? ... MARY LOU enters with three drinks and a huge brown paper grocery sack full of white powder. She puts everything down except for her drink, sits down and crosses her legs. STEVE attempts to say a few words to RAY. STEVE But ... I ... RAY Take my boy for example, he's a lovely boy MARY LOU He surely is and that's the truth. RAY He's a rock star, making his way in an industry that's rife with temptation, but does he lack moral principles? No he does not and why? Because he knows right from wrong that's why. Sure, he dresses a little crazy, but he's young and in show business, and so what if he sings strange songs about other planets. Sci Fi and Gothic horror are in, but, don't try and tell me that this Planet, this Transylvania, really exists or I'm going to have to start calling for the men in white coats. We CUT TO 7. INT. A DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR. PLANET OF T.S. ETERNAL NIGHT. The SMALL PERSON and RIFF snake along the corridor. We hear the sighs, moans and groans of unseen Transylvanians drowning in pleasure. RIFF covers his ears. We lose the sounds with his action and we hear now the thump of his heartbeat, followed by a dramatic drum fill. RIFF is nervous and unhappy. We CUT TO 8. INT. RAY'S OFFICE. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. RAY I'm well aware that there are a lot of people unable to dig themselves out of the shit that they've buried themselves into, but let's face it, there's riff raff everywhere these days. 9. INT. FURTHER ALONG THE CORRIDOR. PLANET OF T.S. ETERNAL NIGHT. The 'HEARTBEAT' has under scored the last scene and now it becomes a full rhythm section. RIFF sings. "SHORT END OF THE STICK" RIFF RAFF: THERE'S SOMETHING GOING DOWN OVER SOMETHING THAT'S COME UP SO I'D BETTER GO INTO REMOTE BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS AT MY THROAT TRYING TO MAKE THEIR STORY STICK I WAS BORN TO JOIN THE GENTRY BORN TO HAVE THE HORN OF PLENTY BUT THE THING THAT MAKES ME SICK IS, I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT-END OF THE STICK SOMEONE'S HOLDING COURT OR SOMETHING OF THAT SORT AND THE QUESTIONS WILL BE COMING FAST AND THICK SO I'D BETTER TAKE THE STAND WITH SOME ACES IN MY HAND (OR THERE'LL BE) TROUBLE THAT'S AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK I WAS BORN TO RULE, NOT FOLLOW THERE ARE THINGS THAT I CAN'T SWALLOW BUT THE THING THAT MAKES ME SICK IS, I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. DRUNK WITH POWER, THEY SKIP WITH JOY HOUR BY HOUR I'M THEIR WHIPPING BOY THEY'RE SO SADISTIC THEY'LL STEAL YOUR LIPSTICK AND TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE MASOCHISTIC I GET NO THRILLS ON BITTER PILLS THEY MAKE ME SICK AND I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. TRANNIES/SMALL PERSON/GUARDS: HE WAS BORN TO JOIN THE GENTRY RIFF RAFF: BORN TO HAVE THE HORN OF PLENTY OTHERS: HE WAS BORN TO RULE NOT FOLLOW RIFF RAFF: THERE ARE THINGS I JUST CAN'T SWALLOW OTHERS: BUT THE THING THAT REALLY MAKES HIM SICK RIFF RAFF: IS, I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. SOMEONE HAS TO LOSE SO THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN WIN IT'S A CHRONIC TRAGICOMIC KIND OF TRICK IF I HAD A BIT OF SENSE I'D JUST SIT HERE ON THE FENCE AND PRETEND TO BE AN EMPTY HEADED HICK (BUT) I WAS BORN TO BE THE VICTIM BORN A PAWN WITHOUT THE SYSTEM THAT'S THE THING THAT MAKES ME SICK YES, I ALWAYS GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. We CUT TO 10. INT. RAY'S OFFICE. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. Same three people as before. We OPEN with a CLOSE UP on STEVE. STEVE But Chief! You've got to believe me ... RAY and MARY LOU snigger a little. STEVE ... They've got a safe-house in a place called Fresno, over an electrical store, this time we're really on to them. RAY Oh really? How'd you come by this information, Agent Majors? STEVE I was going through the files and I found a folder marked The Denton Affair, it made for really interesting reading, Chief, and pencilled in the cover it said, Transylvanian Safe-House, then it gave the address, and I've checked and it's still there. RAY The Denton Affair was a long time ago ... ah ... Steve, sure, the address in Fresno might check out, but Hell, anybody could be living there now. STEVE Let me check it out, Chief. RAY What d'you think, Mary Lou? Should we let Steve here check Fresno out for monsters from outer space? MARY LOU I don't know, Ray, it could be kind of dangerous. RAY becomes mock serious for a moment. RAY All right, Agent Majors, it's just possible that this could be the big break that we've been waiting for. I'm going to put a priority code on this one ... He picks up the phone. RAY ... It's Ray Ammbo here, Head of the Bureau of Investigation into U.F.O's and all other related subjects. I want to be put straight through to Camp David, and I mean now. STEVE's jaw drops and he gives a low whistle of approval ... This is serious stuff going down here. RAY Hello David, send me an Agency car 'round to the front of the building, and make it the best. He hangs up. We CUT TO 11. INT. THE ANTE CHAMBER. OLD QUEEN'S PALACE. ETERNAL NIGHT. RIFF and the SMALL PERSON enter. A VERY TALL THIN SERVANT, also dressed in Transylvanian black, comes from the doorway that leads out to the moon drenched shore. SMALL PERSON General Riff Raff to see the Old Queen. The TALL THIN SERVANT gives RIFF a haughty and disdainful look and sniffs in a snooty manner. RIFF returns his rudeness with an arrogant sneer. The TALL THIN one exits into the Alien night that lies beyond the door. We CUT TO 12. EXT. THE STREET. OUTSIDE H.Q. WASHINGTON. DAY. RAY and MARY LOU are seeing STEVE off in the Company car which is heavily marked with tell tale Agency logos and give away identification. STEVE Shouldn't I fly? RAY What, and let them know that you're coming. How unprofessional can you get, Steve. STEVE Sorry, Chief. RAY I'm going to get one of our top operators out on the coast to meet you there and give you all the help you need on this assignment, Steve. STEVE I like to work on my own, Chief. RAY You'll follow orders, Agent Majors. Am I understood? STEVE Yes, Chief. RAY Okay, Steve, good boy, and Steve, be careful, you hear? Don't trust anybody. RAY and MARY LOU smile at STEVE in a phoney manner. They wave goodbye and STEVE drives off. As the car moves out into the traffic and is some way away from them, SONNY walks into frame. SONNY Hi Pop, Hi Mary Lou. BOTH Sonny ... SONNY Who's the square in the car? RAY One of my finest agents, a real asshole. Let's go back to the office and party. SONNY puts his arm around MARY LOU's waist. SONNY Sounds good to me. MARY LOU Me too. We CUT TO 13. INT. THE ANTE CHAMBER. THE PALACE OF THE OLD QUEEN. ETERNAL NIGHT. RIFF and the SMALL PERSON wait in a funereal silence. RIFF is fuming with impatience. RIFF RAFF How much longer is she going to keep me waiting? That's what I'd like to know. The SMALL PERSON says nothing but gives him a look which says that RIFF would be best served by watching his tongue. The truth of the matter is that the thought of RIFF getting drawn and quartered is not without its attractions to him either. We CUT TO 14. MONTAGE A MONTAGE of SHOTS of STEVE's car hurtling through DAYS and NIGHTS, RAIN and SUNSHINE, PUNCTURES and TRAFFIC COPS, etc. This of course gives us the passing of time. We CUT BACK TO 13. INT. THE ANTE CHAMBER. THE PALACE OF THE OLD QUEEN. ETERNAL NIGHT. It's the same as before, nothing has changed. The SMALL PERSON yawns. We CUT TO 15. INT. STEVE'S CAR. (TRAVELLING SHOT). DAY. STEVE's driving and trying to look cool. We see that he's even wearing those little leather driving gloves with the backs cut out of them, plus of course, those oh-so-important sun-glasses. Let's face it, he's a hunk and a half. STEVE (V.O.) The car was the tops and it had all the high-tech engineering that those little yellow guys are famous for. Hell, I'm as American as the next guy but let's face it. I want a car that's compact, stylish and gives me big miles per gallon, plus all the optional extras, without putting a dent in my pocket. The car phone goes - STEVE picks it up. STEVE Hi, this is Agent Steve Majors on special assignment, I'm not here right now, but if you'd care to leave your name and number after the tone - I'll get right back to you - (he whistles the tone) He listens. It's his contact, one JUDITH BRANKMIRE. JUDY (V.O.) Hello, ah ... this is Agent Brankmire, I'm your contact in Fresno, listen Steve, it's Judith, Judy, Judy Brankmire? We went to school together back in Denton, way back when. I guess you won't remember me, I'm 5 to 6 feet tall with sandy, brown/blonde hair, about 110 pounds, well, I was then. I've picked up a few since then maybe, but it's not easy with this job, you tend to eat a lot of junk food ... Her voice FADES DOWN and STEVE's thoughts FADE UP. STEVE (V.O.) Judy Brankmire? Judy Brankmire?? Maybe I did remember her, sexy little brunette, with a cute little pushed-up button nose, tight buns and a pair of tits you could die for, then again, maybe I didn't. I was about to let her know that the answer phone scam was an old security trick of mine, when I realised that maybe she wasn't who she claimed to be, so I just let her keep on talking, something she was pretty good at. JUDY (V.O.) ... anyway, Steve, the thing is, I've managed to get a short lease on the apartment you've been sent to check out ... We CUT TO 16. INT. EARTH. THE "SAFE-HOUSE" APARTMENT. FRESNO. DAY. JUDY sits on the sofa with the phone in her hand. JUDY ... It's been unoccupied for so long that I managed to talk the servicing company into letting me take it for the month. No one's been near the place for years, it's like a time warp here. I'll wait for you here and see you later tonight some time, maybe we can catch up on old times, Steve ... We CUT TO 17. EXT. EARTH. CAR. DAY. JUDY (V.O.) ... I'd like that. The call ends. STEVE hangs up as well. STEVE Yeah, me too, Judy Brankmire, me too. We leave STEVE exuding pheromones and ... CUT TO 18. EXT. THE OLD QUEEN'S BEACH. ETERNAL NIGHT. RIFF walks across the dark sand towards a black gothic deck chair. We see protruding from one side of it, a rather hefty leg encased in ripped silk stockings. The skin seen through these rips, is a deathly white. The TALL THIN SERVANT announces RIFF as he comes alongside. SERVANT The General Riff Raff, your lace curtain, your most excellent Furter. At last we see her and she's an incredible sight to behold. Skin as white as snow. Hair black as pitch. Dressed in a black negligee, beneath which her vast body is dressed in a regal girdle. On her head she wears a tiara-type crown made up of lightning streaks. Her small, round, white frosted glasses gaze up at RIFF. She removes them to reveal extremely heavily made-up eyes. RIFF avoids her gaze and studies the moon, the sand, the ink-black glutinous sea that gloops like an ocean of oil at the edge of the iron sand, in fact anything. RIFF You wished to see me? Old Queen, Silk Stocking, Lace Curtain, Big Furter. OLD QUEEN I would never wish to actually see you, Riff Raff - The sight of you is like a finger down the throat. But I have a request - An order - A royal order. RIFF RAFF I would be proud and honoured to serve you, my fleshy Queen. What is it you wish of me? OLD QUEEN (she screams) I want you to return to Earth and find my little darling boy and bring him back to me before I take that great leap. COURTIERS Oh no, Big Furter, you will never die ... etc. RIFF looks decidedly furtive, as indeed he might, seeing as how he has blasted the late FRANK 'N' FURTER with a laser until all life had fled from that naughty boy's mortal frame. OLD QUEEN Hit the trail, Riff Raff, and make sure you bring back my little Frankie to me before I croak. RIFF RAFF Frankie? Frank 'N' Furter? You want me to find Frank 'N' Furter and bring him back to you? OLD QUEEN Yes, yes, yes ... I want my treasure, my heart's delight, my only born back in these arms, locked on to these breasts once more before I go to my great reward. RIFF RAFF But the fruit of your capacious loins has not been heard of for fifteen years or so ... He may be ... ah ... busy ... he may not want to come back. OLD QUEEN My cousin, Lord De Lordy will see that you make it to the transducer. De Lordy. DE LORDY steps forward with a mocking grin which is meant for RIFF, he gives a slight bow. DE LORDY General. RIFF RAFF (bows back grudgingly) My Lord. There is hate in RIFF's eyes. OLD QUEEN Stick with him, cousin and see that he doesn't go anywhere other than Earthsville. DE LORDY My life is to serve you, Big Furter, Your silk knickers. OLD QUEEN Yeah, yeah. Just do it, and, Riff, you can give him this message from me. She sings. "I'M A MOTHER, (A REAL MOTHER)" OLD QUEEN: WAS EVER A MOTHER BLESSED WITH SUCH A BOY WAS EVER ANOTHER'S BREAST PRESSED TO SUCH JOY MY ONE AND ONLY SON WAS MORE LIBIDINOUS THAN ANY HONEYBUN INCLUDING OEDIPUS YES I'M A MOTHER, A REAL MOTHER I'M THE MOTHER OF ALL MOTHERS AND THERE'LL NEVER BE ANOTHER MOTHER FIGURE AS BIG OR BIGGER AS A MOTHER I SAID LOOK SON THERE'S ONE THING THAT WE SHOULD COVER YOU'LL DISCOVER YOU'LL NEVER GET ANOTHER LOVER LIKE YOUR MOTHER NEVER TO BEHOLD AGAIN HIS HANDSOME FACE NEVER TO ENFOLD AGAIN HIS PANTY WAIST THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME THAT'S LOST A CHILD WITH FAR MORE REPARTEE THAN EVEN OSCAR WILDE I KNOW I'M HELPLESS, I KNOW I'M SELFLESS (BUT) I'M STILL STRIPPING I'M STILL SILKEN I'M STILL DRIPPING MOTHER'S MILK AND ALL FOR BABY, MY BABY BABY COME TO MOMMA TAKE A LOOK SON JUST ONE LAST LOOK WATCH ME SUFFER YOU'LL DISCOVER YOU'LL NEVER GET ANOTHER LOVER LIKE YOUR MOTHER SO RUN FOR THE COVER OF YOUR MOTHER AND START TO PUCKER I'M UP AGAINST THE WALL YOU MOTHER SUCKER EVERY MOTHER HOPES HER CHILD VOTES FOR THE RIGHT TO SOW THEIR WILD OATES AND WHEN THEY'VE DONE THEIR YUMMY YUMMY THEY'LL COME RUNNING HOME TO MUMMY THEY'LL COME RUNNING HOME TO MUMMY YES I'M A MOTHER, A REAL MOTHER I'M THE MOTHER OF ALL MOTHERS AND THERE'LL NEVER BE ANOTHER MOTHER FIGURE AS BIG OR BIGGER AS A MOTHER I SAID LOOK SON THERE'S ONE THING WE SHOULD COVER YOU'LL DISCOVER YOU'LL NEVER GET ANOTHER LOVER LIKE YOUR MOTHER (I TOLD HIM) WHEN YOU'VE HAD ONE BIMBO WITH HER LEGS AKIMBO YOU'VE HAD THEM ALL AND THERE'S NO DISHONOUR IN BOUNCING ON HER AS LONG AS AFTER YOU'VE BEEN CHUMMY YOU COME RUNNING HOME TO MUMMY YES, I'M A MOTHER A REAL MOTHER I'M THE MOTHER OF ... ETC. The song ends - and RIFF and DE LORDY depart. RIFF walks with the step of a condemned man. We CUT TO 19. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. EVENING. JUDY is on the phone. JUDY I've got it, Chief, you want me to get as much as I can out of him. Don't worry, I'll pump him dry. She hangs up. She makes her way through the apartment. Takes a bottle of champagne from a grocery bag and pops it in the ice-box. Then she heads on through to the bathroom. She reaches in and turns on the shower then she moves OUT OF SHOT to get undressed. We PULL IN TOWARDS the shower and see that as well as having taps it has a few other strange knobs and levers. In the centre of one of them, we see the lightning streak. We CUT TO 20. INT. THE TRANSDUCER. ETERNAL NIGHT. This is a teleportation device. RIFF stands inside it, DE LORDY outside. RIFF RAFF Damn you, De Lordy! You're enjoying this, aren't you? DE LORDY But of course. Oh, and don't be in too much of a hurry to find "you know who" will you? RIFF RAFF That would suit you, wouldn't it? Then you'd be next in line for the Old Queen's deck chair. DE LORDY (yawns) There are some who say that I'm already next in line, as Frank 'N' Furter is already dead, killed, so the rumour goes, by somebody not a million miles away from where I'm standing right now. RIFF RAFF You can't prove that De Lordy. DE LORDY I wish I could, but you're stuck now, it's either produce her pretty boy, or else. My thinking is that it's most likely going to be the "else". By the way, your sister Magenta was fabulous - (he presses the transducer button) Going down. RIFF becomes even more furious as he begins to dematerialise. We CUT TO 21. INT. EARTH. THE SHOWER. FRESNO. EVENING. JUDY's having a soap up. JUDY Wow!!! What weird looking switches. Hey! Maybe they're for needle-jet-massage, boy I love those things. She presses or flicks a couple of them, the door bolts itself and the compartment begins to glow and hum. JUDY Holy shit! I'm going to electrocute myself - God damn it! The door's jammed - Hey, what the hell is happening here?? She dematerialises - a second later, RIFF appears, he's not happy to find the water running. RIFF RAFF Damn you, De Lordy. Damn you all. We CUT TO 22. INT. TRANSDUCER. ETERNAL NIGHT> JUDY appears wet and naked, she turns around slowly and sees DE LORDY. DE LORDY How delicious, how mouth watering. How do you do? JUDY, to use a time-honoured phrase, is gob smacked. JUDY Lordy Lordy!! DE LORDY At your service, my dear. DE LORDY sings - This is a great moment in the history of romantic fiction. These two are smitten from the very first time they lay eyes on one another. "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT" DE LORDY: LOOK WHAT'S POPPED UP I THINK I'M IN LOVE SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S OUT OF THIS WORLD I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH LOVELINESS ALL IN ONE WONDERFUL GIRL AS I STAND HERE BEFORE HER CAN SHE TELL I ADORE HER AM I MAKING TOO MUCH OF THIS THING I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH FLUFFINESS SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S FIT FOR A KING JUDY: I WANT TO HOLD HIM TIGHTLY DE LORDY: I WANT TO LOVE HER SO JUDY: I WANT TO HOLD HIM NIGHTLY DE LORDY: I'LL NEVER LET HER GO BOTH: IT'S THAT SQUAREST OF SQUARE THINGS AT THE BEST TRITE THAT FAIREST OF FAIR THINGS A SUNBURST SO BRIGHT THAT RAREST OF RARE THINGS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT JUDY: I'M HOT AND I'M STRESSED AND I'M NOT OVERDRESSED BUT THE THING THAT MAKES ME SWEET ON YOU IS THAT BOTH: WE CAN HAVE OUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO OUR MINDS AND OUR GLANDS TELL US THESE ARE THE HANDS WITH THE TOUCH TO EXCITE AND DELIGHT WE'LL NEVER NEED ANY OTHER'S KISS NOW WE'VE FOUND LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT JUDY: I WANT TO HOLD HIM TIGHTLY DE LORDY: I WANT TO LOVE HER SO JUDY: I WANT TO HOLD HIM NIGHTLY DE LORDY: I'LL NEVER LET HER GO BOTH: IT'S THAT SQUAREST OF SQUARE THINGS AT THE BEST TRITE THAT FAIREST OF FAIR THINGS A SUNBURST SO BRIGHT THAT RAREST OF RARE THINGS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT At the conclusion of this intense declaration of true love, We CUT TO 23. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. NIGHT. There's an electrical storm outside and it's raining heavily. RIFF has dried himself off and wrapped himself in a voluminous, towelling dressing gown (JUDY's perhaps?) He's picking through JUDY's wallet and handbag, not to mention her suitcase. We see a CLOSE UP of her I.D. in the wallet. RIFF has also found the champagne. The phone goes - he looks at it for a second then picks it up. STEVE (V.O.) Judy? This is Agent Steve Majors, if you want to bust this case wide open, then you'd better stick with the top man, and yes, I do remember you now, a skinny little thing with blonde hair and a pair of legs that went right up to heaven, am I close? RIFF RAFF (falsetto) Ah ... mmm-hummh ... We CUT TO 24. EXT. EARTH. CAR. NIGHT. STEVE Listen, Judy, I'm going to be with you in about ten or fifteen minutes, so get some champagne on ice and all your information together and then you can show me yours and I can show you mine. Sound good to you? RIFF RAFF (V.O.) Ah mmmm - hummh. STEVE Me too - See you soon, Judith Brankmire. He hangs up - The windscreen wipers cut the rain, lightning flashes and We CUT TO 25. EXT. EARTH. HIGHWAY. NIGHT. We see the rear of STEVE's car heading away from us into the night - There is yet another lightening flash which reveals a sign post which reads "FRESNO 8 MILES". Around the sign there are the badges of the various clubs and organisations of the town such as "THE ELKS" "LIONS" "J.C.'s" "MASONIC LODGE" and, also a black badge bearing a lightening streak. We CUT TO 26. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. NIGHT. RIFF is in a slight panic. He crosses to a bookcase and pulls a secret switch. It slides open to reveal a wardrobe labelled "EARTHWARE". One side is male, the other female. On the top shelf there are wigs, the next down spectacles, then suits or dresses and shoes at the bottom. RIFF turns to the female side and runs a hand along the top shelf. RIFF RAFF Strawberry or platinum? We CUT TO 27. EXT. EARTH. THE STREET OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. NIGHT. The neon lights from the Electrical store send streaks of colour across the wet sidewalk. STEVE's car pulls in front and he gets out and runs to a door alongside the store window, he pushes it open and goes in. During this action we hear his thoughts again. STEVE (V.O.) I guess I should have known that something was wrong, after all, I had a little warning bell ringing in the back of my head, but I put it down to fatigue and told myself not to be silly. We hear a bell ring and We CUT TO 28. INT. EARTH. THE LANDING, OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT DOOR. FRESNO. NIGHT. STEVE has his finger on the bell push - he removes it and the ringing stops. STEVE Judy?? Judy? I remember now ... We CUT TO 29. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. NIGHT. RIFF is in full drag and looks pretty good, he fluffs up his blonde hair and as he does so we hear STEVE on the other side of the door. STEVE (V.O.) You're a red-head, not a blonde. RIFF sighs and pulls off the wig. We CUT TO 30. INT. EARTH. THE LANDING. FRESNO. NIGHT. STEVE Yes - a cute little red-head - with freckles and the kind of a figure guys write songs about. Judy?? Hey, Judy!! Come on, I'm a little wet you know, Judy? Are you in there? We CUT TO 31. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. NIGHT. RIFF hurries to the door, complete with red hair and freckles. He passes a full length wall mirror and does a double take, no tits. So he crosses to the grocery bag that JUDY took the champagne from and hauls out a couple of grapefruit, they're pretty big. We CUT TO 32. INT. EARTH. THE LANDING. FRESNO. NIGHT. RIFF opens the door and sprays STEVE with a drugged perfume. RIFF RAFF Hi! Why don't you come on in? The picture goes into SOFT FOCUS and gives us a golden, dream-like quality. RIFF looks gorgeous and his voice goes into echo. STEVE tries to look nonchalant and debonair but in reality he just looks goofy. We TRACK inside with them and have a MONTAGE sequence which cuts between the various activities that STEVE talks about (pouring drinks, etc.) and also cut from the dreamlike state where STEVE is sophisticated and urbane and RIFF is glamorous and provocative, to harsh reality, where STEVE is a dribbling fool and RIFF is contemptuous and mean. STEVE (V.O) It was all like some wonderful dream. I hated myself for forgetting her. She poured some champagne and I found myself opening up to her in a way that I'd never done with a girl before. I told her everything I knew about the aliens from the planet of Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania, and how the Rocky Horror Show was a real story and that Sonny Ammbo's song was about an actual place. I even told her about the crazy guy that turned up one morning on the lawn outside my house when I was just a kid and how Mom had to call the cops. And all the while I talked, she hardly said a word. Boy what a great looker and listener she was. We come out of MONTAGE and RIFF pours STEVE some more champagne. STEVE Hey! Whoah!! All right! Wow! Say, what year was that we went to school together ... (RIFF looks coy) ... Was it grade school or Denton High? I think it must have been grade school, because if you'd had that figure at the high, I would have never given you a moment's peace? Boy that drive knocked me out, I think I'll just close my eyes for a moment, you don't mind, do you, Judy? God! but you're beautiful. STEVE keels over. RIFF pours the remainder of STEVE's drink away. Then he begins to empty STEVE's pockets. We go over his shoulder and see STEVE's wallet in CLOSE UP. It has a similar I.D. to the one JUDY had, credit cards, and a couple of rubbers. RIFF fishes them out, gives them the once over and tosses them into a bin. Then he stands up, takes off the wig and dumps the grapefruit, after which he hauls STEVE into the bedroom and gets him onto the bed - When RIFF returns to the living room he has STEVE's pants over his arm, he tosses them down in the doorway. Then he crosses to the window and stares out into the storm-lashed night, if looks could kill the whole of Fresno would be a goner. We CUT TO 33. EXT. NIGHT. THE APARTMENT WINDOW. FRESNO. NIGHT. We PULL AWAY from RIFF's face. We see the store lights go out. We see the rain bouncing off the top of STEVE's car. Lightning flashes and bleaches the screen to white. We CUT TO 34. INT. DE LORDY'S BEDROOM. ETERNAL NIGHT. This is another place of gothic wonder with a little high-tech futurism thrown in. JUDY and DE LORDY have just engaged in an act of congress which has nothing to do with politics. She can't believe how good it was and she lies back against the pillows with her eyes crossed and her tongue hanging out. There is a lunatic smile of exhaustion spread across her face. DE LORDY gazes at her with adoration. JUDY Are you really a Lord. DE LORDY Indeed I am, I am the heir apparent, the Quirk of fate and first cousin to the Old Queen JUDY The Old Queen? Is she very old? DE LORDY She's on her last legs and when she learns that her precious son is well and truly dead that will really send her on her way and the royal deck chair will be mine, ours, if you so desire. You could be Queen of Transsexual in the Galaxy of Transylvania. JUDY Wow!!! I could probably get fired for this, my boss Ray Ammbo gave me the job of trying to trap a Transylvanian double agent called Steve Majors and here I am in bed with the real thing. We begin to PULL AWAY from them, and as we do so DE LORDY and JUDY begin to resume further acts of a salacious nature. DE LORDY I thought I knew all our double agents ... By the way, what's your name? JUDY Judith Brankmire, Judy. DE LORDY That's nice. JUDY I'll say. We CUT TO 35. INT. EARTH. THE APARTMENT BEDROOM. FRESNO. DAY. It's the next morning. STEVE awakes, not knowing where he is. When he finds himself half undressed he panics a little. When he finds he's still wearing his shoulder holster and gun, he's a little more confident. He spots his wallet by the side of the bed and checks it out. Yes, all the money's there, credit cards, his I.D. - he goes to close it, thinks for a moment, re-checks it and remembers that he had two rubbers in it, and now they're gone. He smiles to himself and shakes his head in a rueful manner. STEVE Steve Majors, you old dog, even when you're incapable you're still capable, twice ... (he rubs his chin) ... Hey! This guy needs a shave. RIFF appears at the door in male earthwear, no wig. STEVE Hey! Who the hell are you? RIFF RAFF Brankmire, George Brankmire, and I think it should be me that's asking the questions. STEVE Oh yeah? Like what? RIFF RAFF Like what have you done with my sister, Judith Brankmire. STEVE pulls the sheet to his chin and swallows nervously. We CUT TO 36. INT. A COFFEE SHOP. FRESNO. EARTH. DAY. It's a typical William Hopper style of diner, with the local crowd in small attendance, perhaps eight or ten at the most. Two of these we feature more than the others, one being the WAITRESS, the other being an old-timer named JOE, although his name is of no importance to us or the story. STEVE and RIFF are in a corner of their own. Above the booth they sit in, there's an old 50's movie poster for a film entitled "INVASION OF THE SAUCERMEN". They just don't make them the way they used to. Incidentally, it's a nice sunny day. STEVE Honest, George, the last I saw of her, she was well and happy, I swear to God I never laid a hand on her. RIFF RAFF Well somebody knows something. STEVE Listen, George, I don't know if you know who Judy worked for, or how much your really knew your sister, I mean, that is if she really was your sister. God! What am I talking about? You've got the same face, the same eyes, the same oh so kissable lips - ah - sorry, George. RIFF RAFF All I know is that Judy was doing some important work for our government and that the White House had assigned her personally. Their coffee comes. WAITRESS There you go. She slops it down and goes. STEVE The White House???!!! Judy had connections at the White House. Wow! She was - IS some girl. Are you involved in all of this. RIFF RAFF Indirectly, I answer only to the President. STEVE Wow! Look, if we put our heads together maybe we can come up with a few answers. Judy may have left a clue or two back at the apartment. But it's my guess that she's been kidnapped by Aliens. The diner stops dead. What did the guy say? STEVE has their undivided attention. ALL Aliens??? That's right, it's a cue for a song, one which will include the entire diner and by the time we get to the end of it, they'll be dancing in the street with a few more of the citizens of Fresno. "NEVER LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE AN ALIEN" WAITRESS: CREEPING HORROR FROM THE EERIE DEPTHS OF TIME AND SPACE OLD TIMER: HEAPING HORROR ON THE FAIRER SEX OF A FINITE RACE OTHERS: THEY WANT OUR LAND THEY WANT OUR AIR THE RIO GRANDE OUR SAVOIR FAIRE OUR CASUAL WEAR OUR SIMPLE FLAIR OUR SOLITAIRE OUR MEDICARE WAITRESS: OUR TABLEWARE ALL: SO ... NEVER TRUST A CREATURE FROM OUTER SPACE WE'VE NEVER MET A GOOD ONE YET THEY JUST THRUST THEIR EVIL FEATURES ALL ABOUT THE PLACE AND THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AS THEY GET WAITRESS: NO ... NEVER LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE AN ALIEN YOU NEVER KNOW JUST WHERE THEY'VE BEEN A WORSE THAN DEATH SORT OF FATE WITH A SCALEY ONE COULD EVEN TURN YOUR FAMILY GREEN ALL: AND WE DON'T MEAN WITH ENVY SO DON'T TELL US THAT THEY'RE FRIENDLY OLD TIMER: OH ... NEVER TAKE THE WORD OF A MAN FROM MARS DON'T GO FALLING FOR HIS EULOGIES YOU'D THINK WE'D NEVER HEARD OF THEIR ABSURD BOUDOIRS AND WE'D JUST FALLEN OUT OF THE TREES TWO VOICES: IT'S TERRIFYING GETTING TACTILE WITH A MARTIAN PTERODACTYL FOUR VOICES: YOU GET NO SYMPATHETIC TOUCHES ONCE THEY GET YOU IN THEIR CLUTCHES SIX VOICES: FOR EVERY NOW AND THEN YOU ARE GONNA WIND UP AS THE MENU ALL: NO ... NO ... NO ... NO ... NEVER LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE AN ALIEN IT'S A WARNING NO-ONE SHOULD REJECT THEY ONLY CONTEMPLATE THE BACCHANALIAN (AND) IN THE MORNING THE'VE GOT NO RESPECT TWO VOICES: LET'S GET GLOBALLY ALERTED BECAUSE THEY'RE TOTALLY PERVERTED SIX VOICES: YES, THEY'LL GET US ALL DISROBING AND THEN THEY'LL START THIS PROBING ALL (SAVE STEVE AND RIFF) THEN DEGRADED AND PERSUADED WE'LL HAVE EVERY SPACE INVADED WAITRESS: SO IF YOU'RE A GREAT SUPPORTER OF MAMMALIAN ALL: YOU'LL NEVER LET YOUR DAUGHTER DATE AN ALIEN. At the end of the song everyone roars with laughter with the exception of STEVE and RIFF. WAITRESS Oh by the way, you can forget the check, that's more fun than I've had since Joe here dropped his dentures in the pancake mix. They all roar with laughter again, JOE/OLD TIMER slaps his thigh and wipes away tears of hilarity. STEVE smiles weakly and he and RIFF head on back to the apartment. JOE/OLD TIMER heads for a pay phone. WAITRESS Hey, Joe! Don't go lettin' them Aliens know that we're on to them. They all roar with laughter again and go their separate ways. We see JOE drop the coin right into the slot. We hear him dial as we PULL FOCUS and see STEVE and RIFF enter the street door to the apartment. We PULL BACK and take in JOE as well and by this time, he's through to his party. He now has a different voice to his Walter Brennan Gabby Hayes style. JOE They're going back into the apartment now. Sure, I'll keep a watch on them. He hangs up. We CUT TO 37. INT. DE LORDY'S PLACE. ETERNAL NIGHT. JUDY is the center of attention and several of DE LORDY's SERVANTS flit around her bedecking her with black lace, satins and ribbons and other rich funereal fabrics. DE LORDY sits drinking and watching. DE LORDY Delightful. Although I hate to be deprived of your fabulous flesh. One of the SERVANTS plonks a crown of black jewels on her head. DE LORDY Oh yes - Oh yes - Every inch a queen. The doors fly open and there stands the OLD QUEEN and if she's dying, Arnold Shwarztenegger is a Munchkin. Behind her stands her heavy MOB with calf muscles like knots straining through their fishnets. OLD QUEEN I think it's time that you and I had a little chat, cousin. DE LORDY looks horrified as do JUDY and the SERVANTS. DE LORDY Ah ... ha ... ha... Anything in particular, Great Furter? OLD QUEEN How about treason, insurrection, recalcitrance, subversion and halitosis. DE LORDY I don't - I haven't - I've never had halitosis, never. Ask her, she'll tell you. I'm shocked that you, my own cousin should be capable of such a slanderous accusation ... look ... hoh! hoh! (he breathes on his hand) See! Nothing - It's as sweet as a cherubs. The OLD QUEEN walks back to the door, stops and turns. OLD QUEEN Lock them up together, they may as well enjoy themselves before the torture begins. She exits - the GUARDS move in DE LORDY (still concerned about his breath) HoHHH!! See! Nothing to complain about there - Hohhh!!! ... He expels air directly into a GUARD's face. DE LORDY ... There, you see? Lovely, isn't it? Nothing brackish or stagnant about it, is there? ... The GUARD staggers a little. DE LORDY You're putting that on, stop it, you're putting that on. JUDY begins to weep. We CUT TO 38. INT. THE APARTMENT. FRESNO. EARTH. DAY. STEVE and RIFF are pouring over a large manual which is inscribed "TRANSDUCER PROGRAMMING FOR THE BEGINNER". STEVE It sure was lucky that you found this book, George. RIFF RAFF Yes, wasn't it though. STEVE It sure was, is it any use to us? RIFF RAFF Yes, I think so. Is there a shower in this apartment? STEVE Yes - yes, I believe there is. RIFF RAFF That's good. Why don't we both go and get in it? STEVE Hey, George!!! Hold on there, buddy, I'm not form California, you know. I'm strictly down home and apple pie, George. I mean hey! Chicks yes - take last night for instance, there I was, drunk as a skunk, but still able to get it on - Oh!!! ha ... ha ... Not with Judy, of course, she's too much of a lady - No, it was ah ... on the way here actually, yes, I had to stop for some gas and pow! I got lucky with the girl on the cash register. Twice!!! Just like that, boy! You should have seen the looks on the faces of the other customers ... So the book is about showers, is it? Fascinating subject showers. I've got a shower in my .... ah ... own apartment, yes, it's a ... pressed steel surround, which in my opinion, is superior to fibre glass. I always think there's something cheap about fibre glass. Then again I suppose that's its main attraction, and hell, everyone wants to save a few pennies these days, don't they? It has to be cost effective. George? George? RIFF has wandered through to the bathroom - well, wouldn't you? We CUT TO 39. INT. THE APARTMENT BATHROOM. FRESNO. EARTH. DAY. RIFF stands waiting for STEVE. STEVE Oh! There you are. Oh yeah, there's the shower. RIFF climbs in with the manual. STEVE begins to follow. STEVE Ahh! Don't you think we should take our clothes off? I mean hell! We're both adults, it's not as though it's something to be ashamed of. RIFF flicks a few switches. A small panel lights up. It reads. "TRANSDUCER POWER ON" STEVE What's that? Hey, this isn't just an ordinary shower - this is ... the thing that the book's about. RIFF RAFF A sonic transducer, an audio vibratory physiomolecular transport device, capable of breaking down solid matter and projecting it through space and who knows, perhaps even time itself. STEVE My God! We've got these Transylvanian Alien Creeps by the short and curlies, George. Assuming of course that they have them. RIFF RAFF All we have to do is punch in the destination and away we go. STEVE But where? Where do we go, George? RIFF RAFF According to this handbook any one of a number of places - Alaska - Algeria - Boston - Brussels - Chile - Cincinnati - Denton etc. right through to Washington - X - Y and Zurich. STEVE Washington??!! Oh my God, the seat of power - Does it say where in Washington? RIFF RAFF No, but we only have to go there to find out. STEVE Okay, let's do it. No, wait, one of them might be using the shower, I'd sure hate to turn up and be confronted by a naked alien, Yuck! Hey! Why don't we "go to Denton", after all that's where all this started and we both know our way around there, don't we? RIFF RAFF We do? STEVE Sure we do - I went to school in Denton with Judy, your sister remember? Funny thing though, I don't remember you as well as I didn't remember her, if you get what I mean. RIFF RAFF Oh, ah... I went to school in Europe. STEVE Really? Hey, nice. RIFF RAFF But you're absolutely right. Denton would be a good place to start. Now let's see - One at a time I think and you first. STEVE No, I think we should definitely do this together. RIFF RAFF But what if our molecules should get mixed together? STEVE Huh?? Oh! You mean like the "Fly" I saw that movie - wow you're right, you go first, I'll follow on. RIFF RAFF No, I think you should go first, after all I've read the book, you wouldn't know how to program the device. STEVE (grabs the manual) Listen George, this may come as a surprise to a Guy that's been educated in Europe, but I can read too you know. Hey, this is in a sort of code. RIFF RAFF Runic script, cyphers are my hobby as well as my job. STEVE gives RIFF the book back. RIFF climbs out, after he's pressed a button or two. STEVE I hope you pushed the right buttons George, I don't want to wind up in Alaska. RIFF RAFF Trust me, Steve. STEVE begins to de-materialise. STEVE That's another thing, the Chief said, that I shouldn't trust anybody. He's gone. RIFF RAFF And how right he was. We CUT TO 40. INT. CELL BLOCK. ETERNAL NIGHT. Two GUARDS are pushing the luckless JUDY and DE LORDY towards an iron door. DE LORDY You've never noticed a trace of bad breath have you Judy... (he turns to the GUARD) ...ask her, go on, not a hint, not so much as a hint, go on, smell it, go on... Hohh... The GUARD staggers again. DE LORDY ...I wish you'd stop fooling around like that, I really do. JUDY He's not fooling, look he's keeling over. The GUARD hits the deck - They are all stunned by this, who wouldn't be. JUDY quickly breathes on the second GUARD. JUDY I've got a hohhh hunch that we're more compatible than we realised. The second GUARD sinks to his knees. JUDY gives him another blast, his eyes glaze and he's out for the count. DE LORDY But this is so humiliating. JUDY Don't worry about it and just thank your lucky stars that we ate what we did last night. It's only morning after mouth, nothing a little mouthwash and orange juice won't fix, meanwhile let's get the hell out of here. DE LORDY Quite so, my dear, let's get to the transducer and rethink our plan of campaign on YOUR planet. JUDY Okay, I'm with you. They head for the stairs. We CUT TO 41. INT. THE SHOWER. FRESNO. EARTH. DAY. We see RIFF climb into the shower with a small black suitcase, he presses a few buttons and dematerialises. We then see JUDY and DE LORDY arrive. JUDY There's some champagne in the refrigerator. DE LORDY Never mind the champagne, let's hit the mouthwash. We CUT TO 42. EXT/INT. HOLIDAY INN. DENTON. EARTH. DAY. We have an EXTERNAL ESTABLISHING SHOT and then PULL TO a second floor window. We DISSOLVE to the interior. It's the usual double bedroom with its ensuite bathroom which is known the entire world over to those familiar with that sort of thing. A MAID has the hallway door open and enters the bathroom with fresh towels, we follow her in. She places the towels and exits, we stay. The BATH TUB/SHOWER glows and RIFF RAFF appears. He steps out and leaves, we go with him. We see the MAID with her back to us, over by the window, she doesn't see RIFF, he hits the hallway and he's gone - She turns as if she heard something, then goes back to what-ever it is that she's doing - (This is room 220 by the way.) We PAN around and see RIFF, going away from us down the hotel corridor, he carries a small black suitcase. We CUT TO 43. EXT. HOLIDAY INN. ANCHORAGE, ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. STEVE is in a pay phone, it's snowing and behind him we can see the hotel. STEVE Thanks for accepting the call Chief - Steve Majors - Agent Steve Majors - I know I'm in Alaska - I took the shower - I know it sounds crazy - but - listen Chief they've got Judy - Judy Brankmire, my contact in Fresno - yes - What?? She's there with you now?? Is her brother with her?? - Of course, she's got a brother - George - They're the image of each other, only he doesn't have everything that she's got - Well hair for a start. Of course. I can give you a description of her Chief, after all, I am a professional - Sure, I know strictly by the book. STEVE sings a song about JUDY - which is entitled JUDY - JUDY. He tries to give what you might term a police breakdown - you know female, caucasian, height 5,7 - 5,8 - hair red etc. But let's face it the guy's smitten so it winds up like this. "JUDY JUDY JUDY" STEVE: SHE STOOD QUITE A GOOD FIVE FOOT SEVEN A CAUCASIAN TO PRAISE AND INSPIRE PEACHES AND CREAM AN AMERICAN DREAM BUILT MORE TO ADORE THAN ADMIRE SHE WAS THE REAL McCOY NOTHING LIKE A BOY VERITABLY NATURAL ACTUALLY FACTUAL GENUINELY FEMININE CONCLUDE THAT SHE'S A CUTIE WHO'D STICK WITH YOU THROUGH THICK AND THIN MY JUDY JUDY SHE HAD LEGS THAT WENT RIGHT UP TO HEAVEN AND HAIR THE COLOUR OF FIRE THE SLIMMEST OF HIPS IRRESISTIBLE LIPS AND UNQUENCHABLE SEXUAL DESIRE GOD WENT AND BROKE THE MOULD WHEN THIS CENTRE-FOLD LOST HER CHILDHOOD AWKWARDNESS AND BLOSSOMED INTO LOVELINESS THINK OF HOW OUR LIFE COULD BE INCLUDE THE TOOTIE FRUITY I THINK THAT SHE'S THE WIFE FOR ME MY JUDY JUDY We CUT AWAY TO 43B. INT. RAY'S OFFICE. WASHINGTON D.C. The real JUDY, DE LORDY, MARY LOU and SONNY are there; it looks like a party. RAY is on the phone. RAY What happened to professional detachment? Objectivity? And a dispassionate interpretation of the facts, Agent Majors? They all snigger. We CUT BACK TO 43. EXT. HOLIDAY INN. ANCHORAGE, ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. STEVE Sorry, Chief ... ah ... Sings: HER WEIGHT WAS ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN EXCEPT FOR HER LOVELY ATTIRE HER DRESS WITH THE FLOUNCES WEIGHED LESS THAN TWO OUNCES AND COULDN'T HAVE GONE ANY HIGHER SHE HAD THE KIND OF LIMBS THAT YOU WON'T FIND ON HIMS LONG AND LEAN DEVOID OF HAIR STRONG AND CLEAN BOY DID I STARE I WISH I HAD A PHOTOGRAPH THEN YOU'D SEE HER TRUE BEAUTY I'D LET HER BE MY BETTER HALF MY ... JUDY JUDY MY ... JUDY JUDY The song ends and We CUT TO 44. EXT. A ROAD OUTSIDE DENTON. EARTH. DAY. We see an old pair of iron gates which are falling off their hinges and an old broken sign which once said "Enter at your own risk". (See "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" for exact example) RIFF RAFF's legs come into view and the black bag - We PULL AWAY and see him in LONG SHOT, there is a cab beside him - he gets back in and it drives through the gates. We CUT TO 45. INT. HOLIDAY INN. ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. STEVE is in the hallway outside room 220. The room that has the transducer in it. But the MAID here is not about to let him in. STEVE But you don't understand, this is an emergency, I've got to use the shower. MAID Only guests can use the showers. You'll have to sign in at the front desk. STEVE Look lady, I'm with the Bureau of Investigation of UFO's and I've got to get in that shower and transport myself to Denton, do you understand? MAID (she's scared - why not?) I ... I ... ah ... you'd better see the Manager - I'll go and get him. And she takes off, looking back at him. STEVE tries the door handle, it's open. He calls to the retreating MAID. STEVE It's okay - I've got it. He goes in. We hear the lock click behind him. MAID (not knowing which way to go) But - but... Oh my God. She really goes this time. We CUT TO 46. INT. ROOM IN THE HOLIDAY INN. ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. In other words, we're on the other side of the door now - STEVE gets into the bathroom and climbs into the shower. STEVE Okay, so where are all the knobs and switches? Oh no! Don't tell me I'm in the wrong shower - I can't be, it was room 220. I know it was. He looks around him at the wall tiles. He presses a few of them, pulls the plug lever, twists the taps, wishes he hadn't, pulls the nylon clothes line that recoils into it's pulley, then he takes off his shoe and starts smashing the tiles off the wall. Finally, he sees that two of the tiles are hinged and open like cupboard doors to reveal the transducer control panel. STEVE Okay - (he slips his shoe back on) Now let's get our act together here, use a little lateral thinking - So, there are 26 letters in the alphabet - "A" representing number "1"; "B" number "2" and so on. So, if I want to spell out Denton, I'd have to press this button for D. - ABCD - (he counts his fingers) 4 times and then E - ABCDE - (he does it again) 5 times - and N, that's ABCDEFG... We CUT TO 47. INT. THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE 220 HOLIDAY IN. ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. The MAID has returned with the MANAGER. MANAGER Is this the room? (she nods) ... Are you sure? All right, let me have your pass key. She hands it over and he puts it in the lock. We CUT TO 48. INT. SHOWER. ROOM 220. HOLIDAY INN. ALASKA. EARTH. DAY. STEVE Okay, just the "O" and the "N" to go A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O - that's 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 and hey, what's happening - I haven't finished yet, I've one more to go. He starts to fade. The MAID looks in and sees him go - she's about to have a bad time of it - STEVE's gone. The MANAGER looks in, all he sees are the broken tiles. MANAGER Perhaps you'd care to explain this destruction. Miss Yerkovitch. Come, come, speak up. MAID I ah ... he ah ... huh huh huh ... MANAGER In English please, Miss Yerkovitch. We CUT TO 49. EXT. THE OUTSKIRTS OF DENTON. EARTH. DAY. RIFF is looking out of the cab window, his chin on the door sill, he looks very dejected. We PAN AROUND and see why. There in front of us stands a new-ish housing development and a sign reading: DENTON HAPPY HOMES HOUSING DEVELOPMENT RIFF sighs. RIFF RAFF I was afraid of something like this. CABBY Why? Whatcha do? Bury a bankroll down there before they built all them houses. RIFF RAFF Something like that, take me back to the Holiday Inn, will you? CABBY Sure. He shoves the cab into gear and We CUT TO 50. INT. RAY AMMBO'S EXECUTIVE WASHROOM. WASHINGTON. EARTH. DAY. The shower starts to pulse. Again it's one which is incorporated with a bath, only this one has a mahogany surround and the look of a wealthy "Men's Club" to it, in fact the whole bathroom has that look. STEVE looks around and approving of what he sees, gives a small whistle. We see a few fishnets hanging around. He crosses to the door, which is slightly ajar and peeking through, he, and we, see RAY perched on the corner of his desk. He's smiling and talking to someone out of sight. STEVE pushes the door open a little. STEVE (sotto voce) Good grief! It's the Chief! RAY looks around towards STEVE and CAMERA. RAY Steve! Come on in, we've been waiting for you. Judy and my very good friend Lord De Lordy have just zipped in from Fresno. JUDY Hi, Steve, we went to school together. DE LORDY How do you do? RAY And this is my boy, Sonny. RAY waves a hand towards SONNY. They all look as though they've been having an orgy and it went rather better than expected. We can take a SLOW PAN around the room to take all this in and while doing so hear a few more of STEVE's deep and profound thoughts, i.e. STEVE (V.O.) It was like trying to put together a jigsaw with all the wrong pieces. How come the Chief had a sonic transducer in the executive washroom? And just how had Judy Brankmire zipped from Fresno to here? Sure, this was the real Judy Brankmire. I remember her now, she used to sit at the back of Miss Peterson's class and pass wind. I hated her then and I was hating her now. And who was the phoney Lord that was pawing her and why were they dressed up like they didn't know whether they were going to bed or a funeral? And how come they were expecting me? And what was Ray's son, the rock star Sonny Ammbo doing here? RAY Why don't we all have another quick drink and then piss off to Denton? That is where you were trying to get to, isn't it, Steve? STEVE You seem to have all the answers, Chief. RAY Do I? Well if I do, you must have all the questions. STEVE (V.O.) Sure, I had a million questions but it was my guess they had a million and one answers. RAY I knew you were going to be trouble, Steve, when you told me that you knew that the Rocky Horror Show was based on a real event that took place in Denton fifteen or so years ago and then there was your name, Majors, you wouldn't be related to the late Brad Majors, would you? SONNY mutters the word 'asshole' under his breath. STEVE is a little red in the face and chooses to pretend that he didn't hear. STEVE So, you know that he's dead as well, do you, perhaps you also know how he died, no, well I'll tell you. A transylvanian ... SONNY Frank 'N' Furter STEVE again ignores SONNY STEVE Seduced my brother Brad ... SONNY Asshole. STEVE ... and his fiancee, Janet Weiss ... SONNY Slut. RAY Let Steve get on with it, Sonny. STEVE They were both forced to do despicable things and it sent the two of them completely whacko ... Janet only wound up as a hooker and a drunk, but my brother ... my brother finished up ... as a bottomless go-go dancer in Vegas ... and ... (this is getting hard for him, he's all choked up) ... he fell to his death from a trapeze which was thirty feet above the crowd ... The others are really enjoying this, they're having a hard job not to laugh. STEVE (in tears) ... and they took him to the morgue, wearing nothing, but six inch heels and a rhinestone choker. They splutter with helpless laughter and then try to cover it up. RAY So, just what is it that you want Steve? "I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK" RAY: DO YOU WANT MONEY? STEVE: NO NO NO MARY LOU: HOW ABOUT SOME HONEY? STEVE: NO NO NO JUDY: DO YOU WANT POWER? STEVE: NO NO NO SONNY: HOW ABOUT A SHOWER? STEVE: NO! NO! NO!!! I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN HURTING MY LOVED ONES I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN SMUTTY SMUT-TEE I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN SQUIRTING THEIR LOVE GUNS I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN YUCKIE YUCK-EE I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK. I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK OTHERS: SUCK IT AND SEE STEVE: I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN GETTING IN MY FACE I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN CAUSING ME PAIN I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN GETTING ON MY CASE I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO ARE VAIN AND PROFANE I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK. I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK OTHERS: MAKE YOUR OWN RAIN YOU'VE GOT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR PROBLEM YOU'VE GOT TO STOP AND START TO TAKE YOURSELF IN HAND YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE A LITTLE, LOVE A LITTLE, LAUGH A LITTLE MORE AND THEN, AND ONLY THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU WANT TO GET YOUR OWN BACK THEN GET CLOSER TO THE OBJECT OF YOUR HATE AND LEARN THEIR WAYS THEN WHEN YOU KNOW THE WHY'S AND WHAT'S YOU CAN TRY AND CALL SOME SHOTS BUT BEWARE THE HATEFUL FATEFUL RICOCHETS STEVE: I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN TREADING ON MY TOES I WANT TO PAY THEM BACK FOR ALL THE PEOPLE THAT THEY'VE BITTEN AND SKINNED I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK ON THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GETTING UP MY NOSE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AS A STATEMENT OF FACT WHICH I'LL NEVER RESCIND I'VE GOT TO GET MY OWN BACK. I WANT TO GET MY OWN BACK OTHERS: SPIT IN THE WIND The song concludes in RAY's executive suite bathroom. RAY Okay, Steve, if you're committed to getting your own back on those Transylvanians, I suggest we try and catch up with your new found friend George Brankmire, who you may or may not be surprised to discover is a high ranking Transylvanian General, name of Riff Raff. STEVE I was beginning to figure that it was something like that. The others climb into the bath. Except for MARY LOU. RAY Sure you were. Hold the fort, Mary Lou - Coming, Steve? STEVE What about the molecules? RAY What about them? STEVE Won't they mix together, like The Fly? SONNY I think he means the movie. RAY thinks about this for a moment, then the penny drops. RAY Oh! Hell no! Do you think I'd risk getting mixed up with this crowd? I like them but I'm damned if I want their bodily parts, any more than they want mine or yours. STEVE Well ... If you're sure. He climbs reluctantly into the bath. STEVE What I really want to know is, who was the woman who was impersonating Agent Brankmire here? All the faces radiate an innocence that is just that bit too wide-eyed to be true. ALL Ah??? Yes ... Who indeed ... etc ... We CUT TO 51. INT. CORRIDOR. HOLIDAY INN. DENTON. DAY. RIFF is outside the door of room 220, which, to save confusion in the audience's mind, is a different colour and style from the one that we saw STEVE outside in Alaska. RIFF tries the handle quietly, it's locked. He takes a sonic key from his pocket, switches it on and points it at the lock. The door opens and standing there is a rather blowzy blonde of middle to late thirties, but looking considerably older, her once beautiful face showing the ravages of excess and despair. This is none other than JANET WEISS, one time fiancee of STEVE's elder brother, the late BRAD MAJORS. RIFF and she have met before, but what with her looking as she does and her fuddled mind neither of them make any instant recognition. They do detect a 'certain something' which neither of them can put their finger on, but that, for now, is all. RIFF quickly hides the sonic key. JANET looks suspiciously at him. JANET Yeah? So what do YOU want? RIFF RAFF I have to check your bathroom out for soundproofing, there have been complaints from some of the guests. JANET Oh yeah? RIFF pushes past her and ducks into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. JANET crosses to it and opens it a little. JANET Is this going to take long? RIFF RAFF (V.O.) Just shut the door, lady. JANET pulls a face at the bathroom door, gives it the finger and after she has pulled the bathroom door closed, turns and slams the hall door shut in our face. We CUT TO 52. INT. BATHROOM. HOLIDAY INN. DENTON. DAY. RIFF pulls back the shower curtain and gets in and sits on the side of the bath. He presses three of the wall tiles in a pattern of sorts and on the last one we hear a kind of bleep and two others flip open to reveal the operating panel. RIFF hauls up his suitcase, opens it and taking out a raincoat puts in on, then he fiddles with the panel until it comes loose, fits a bit of high-tech wizardry into the circuit board, replaces the panel, shuts his suitcase. Then he programs the transducer. We see the word "TIMEWARP" come up on the panel - he presses a knob or two and we see a few more lights come on. RIFF RAFF (looks at his watch) Let me see now, 14, 2, seventeen, and 22 and a half - No - that's not right, 18, 3 and a quarter ... (he primes the transducer) ... All right, now let's do the Timewarp again. (he shuts the panel) He disappears. The door opens and JANET stands there with a drink in her hand and a puzzled look on her face. JANET Hey! Don't I know you from somewhere? Hey, where'd yah go? How come I only get to meet the riff raff now a days. Riff raff? Why'd I say that? We CUT TO 53. INT. THE PALACE OF THE OLD QUEEN. ETERNAL NIGHT. Present are, the OLD QUEEN, the TWO GUARDS, who were supposed to have locked up JUDY and DE LORDY, plus TRANSYLVANIAN COURTIERS. The OLD QUEEN is furious, to say the least. The TWO GUARDS are on their knees before her, both have been stripped naked and are about to be tortured. I'm not sure how, but rest assured it'll be fairly disgusting. OLD QUEEN Well, this has to be a first in anybody's book. 'With one breath Jack was free', well you're about to get a lesson in how to kiss ass, and we all know who's ass that's going to be as well, don't we? She sings. "NO HIDING PLACE" OLD QUEEN: DO YOU CONSTRUE WHAT'S OVERDUE NOT TO YOU BUT YOU KNOW WHO? GUARDS: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: WHAT???!!! GUARDS (LOUDER): LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: SO, WHY DON'T WE PAUSE AND REFLECT, ON ... ENTIRE COURT: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: AND THE POSSIBLE CAUSE AND EFFECT, OF ... COURT: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: YEAH! VENGEANCE IS MINE (TO THE GUARDS) THE OFFENCES ARE THINE SUFFER THE EVIL DOER TO COME UNTO ME THERE'S GOING TO BE WEEPING, WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH BLEATING AND RAILING AND LASHINGS OF GRIEF A LOT OF GOOD GUYS HAVE DIED WHEN THEY LIED IN MY FACE THERE'S GOING TO BE LYING, CRYING AND PENITENT PLEAS SIGHING, DYING BENT ON YOUR KNEES AND YOU'RE GOING TO FIND THERE AIN'T NO HIDING PLACE We CUT TO 54. INT. BATHROOM. HOLIDAY INN. DENTON. DAY. We see JANET on the john with a drink in her hand and her pants around her ankles. She's also trying to suck on a cigarette and remember what she's spent the last fifteen odd years trying to forget. We hear the (by now) familiar pulsing sound of the transducer, and a strange light pulses with it and washes across JANET. She looks towards the source and her mouth falls open. She's terrified. She dribbles with fear. We PULL AROUND and see JUDY, DE LORDY, STEVE, RAY and SONNY appear in the bath. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) ALL (SAVE JANET): YOU'RE GOING TO FIND THERE AIN'T NO HIDING PLACE. The song takes a pause here but the beat goes on. JANET AHHHGGGHHH!!! BLAH BLAH BABBLE BABBLE ... RAY Not you, ma'am, we have every respect for a lady on the john. Sonny, draw the shower curtain. SONNY does so and as he does, he winks lasciviously at JANET. She looks at him and as she does so, she starts to remember FRANK 'N' FURTER. It's not that SONNY is a dead ringer for him, so much as the clothes he's wearing and his painted face. STEVE starts to stare a little harder at JANET as well. He thinks he recognizes her. She looks at both him and SONNY and tries to work it out. RAY meanwhile has been fooling around with the control panel that RIFF has re-programmed. RAY Yahooo!! (pokes his head around the curtain) Excuse us, ma'am, we're going to take a little trip down memory lane. Bye bye now. He presses the switch (or whatever) and they begin to fade away. As they go we hear the following dialogue. STEVE I'm sure that woman is Janet Weiss. SONNY Slut. STEVE My brother Brad's fiancee. SONNY Asshole. JUDY I think perhaps you're right, Steve. SONNY (V.O.) Where exactly is it that we're going, Pop? RAY (V.O.) Into the past. They've gone. JANET gets off the john and shuffles across to the bath. She pulls back the curtain. JANET Brad??? Brad??? Frank 'N' Furter??? It's me, Janet - It's me. ME!!! We CUT TO 55. INT. RAY'S EXECUTIVE BATHROOM. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. The very large bath/shower is at first empty. We see the same pulsing light and hear the same pulsing sound as before, and before our very eyes, the largest assembly of PEOPLE ever gathered together in one bath appear. Their dress is of an extremely Gothic and provocative nature, to say the least. In the centre stands the OLD QUEEN. Many of the GUARDS have pitch-fork ray-guns. As they step from the shower, a second wave of strange PEOPLE arrive The new arrivals are dressed in black satin trousers, tail jackets and dark glasses.. These are the Transylvanian AMBASSADORS from the four corners of the Earth. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) ALL: THE SENTENCE IS DOOM COMMENCEMENT IS SOON OLD QUEEN: THE ROUGHER WE HEAVE IN THE SKEWER (THE) MORE FUN IT'LL BE ALL: YOU'RE GOING TO BE SWEARING CARE AND CHEATING YOUR BEST TEARING HAIR AND BEATING YOUR BREAST OLD QUEEN: WOULD THAT YOU'D TRIED SUICIDE NOT THIS MISGUIDED CHASE We CUT TO 56. EXT. DENTON OUTSKIRTS. THE PAST. NIGHT. It's pouring with rain and lightning reveals those gates again. This time, however, they are exactly the same as they were those fifteen (or so) years before. We SWING AROUND and there in TIGHT SHOT we see RIFF, his collar turned up against the rain. He sings. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) RIFF RAFF: THERE'S GOING TO BE DANGERS WEIGHED AND PEOPLE TO STOP CHANGES MADE WITH ME AT THE TOP - AND ... We CUT TO 57. INT. RAY'S EXECUTIVE BATHROOM. WASHINGTON D.C. DAY. Same crowd as before. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) ALL: ... YOU'RE GOING TO FIND THERE AIN'T NO HIDING PLACE The OLD QUEEN moves towards the door. It opens and MARY LOU stands there with some chocolates in her hand (nice box too). OLD QUEEN Where the hell is everybody, sister? MARY LOU Why, you all just missed them. They all took off for Denton. OLD QUEEN DENTON!!! My Boy, my Frankie used to send me postcards from a place called Denton. Let's go. They all surge back into the bath again. MARY LOU Hey! Wait! They stop and a dreadful silence falls on the proceedings. The OLD QUEEN looks at MARY LOU as though she were something very unpleasant. It's a split second freeze. MARY LOU Can I come with you? "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) OLD QUEEN: I'LL CONCEDE, OH YES INDEED IF YOU CAN FEED ME WHAT I NEED MARY LOU: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: WHAT!!! MARY LOU (LOUDER): LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE I EXPECT ALL: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN: WHAT MUST YOU NEVER NEGLECT? ALL: LOVE AND RESPECT OLD QUEEN Okay, let's go. We CUT TO 58. EXT. GATES TO OLD HOUSE. DENTON OUTSKIRTS. THE PAST. NIGHT. It's still hosing down. We see RAY, JUDY, DE LORDY, SONNY and STEVE hurrying towards us and then through the gates. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) ALL: TIME AFTER TIME AND TIME BEFORE TIME THERE'S TOO MUCH TIME TO FILL We CUT TO 59. EXT. THE OLD HOUSE GROUNDS. THE PAST. NIGHT. RIFF runs across the lawns. He still carries his black case, but now he has a pitchfork laser in his hand. A pack of baying DOGS run towards him. RIFF turns the ray-gun on the animals and keeps heading for the house, singing as he goes. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) RIFF RAFF: TIME OUT OF MIND AND THIS TIME YOU'LL FIND THERE'S ALWAYS TIME TO KILL We CUT TO 60. EXT. GATES TO OLD HOUSE. DENTON OUTSKIRTS. THE PAST. NIGHT. The OLD QUEEN and her hordes sweep through the gates. The OLD QUEEN has her arms locked around two people who are not dressed as the others. One is MARY LOU, the other is a very mixed up JANET. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) OLD QUEEN: YOU CAN RACE THROUGH TIME YOU CAN CHASE THROUGH SPACE BUT THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME ... ALL: WHEN THERE AIN'T NO HIDING PLACE JANET: GIVE ME LOVE AND RESPECT We CUT TO 61. EXT. THE GROUNDS. THE PAST. NIGHT. RIFF is still weaving his way across the lawn. In fact, he's almost made it to the house. "NO HIDING PLACE" (cont.) RIFF RAFF: GOT TO CHANGE THE PAST THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT RE-ARRANGE IT FAST AND TELL IT LIKE IT ISN'T RAY and his team come running across the rain lashed garden towards him. RAY'S TEAM: TRYING TO ERASE A TIME OF DISGRACE THIS TIME YOU'RE GOING TO FIND ... The OLD QUEEN arrives with the heavy mob. ENTIRE COMPANY: THERE AIN'T NO HIDING PLACE OLD QUEEN: GIVE ME LOVE AND RESPECT The song ends, and as it does so RIFF fires at the OLD QUEEN and hits a tree behind her. OLD QUEEN Holy shit! Get that sucker! All hell breaks loose. RIFF ducks and weaves, firing as he does so. The Transylvanian GUARDS spread out, as do the TRANNIE AMBASSADORS. RAY, JUDY, DE LORDY, STEVE and SONNY are caught in a vicious crossfire. RAY Hold your fire. Hold your fire! Everything stops for a second. OLD QUEEN Who the hell are you to countermand my orders. JANET (to herself) I know this place. RAY Ray Ammbo, an Earthling. Loyal to the Transylvanian way. OLD QUEEN And who is that with you, Ray Ammbo, loyal Earthling? RAY Your Royal cousin ... DE LORDY SHHHHH ... RAY Lord De Lordy is here, and ... OLD QUEEN Lord De Lordy??? Let them have it, and give them everything you've got. DE LORDY runs towards RIFF RAFF. DE LORDY Riff Raff! I'm on your side. I didn't really do it with your sister. I was only teasing. RIFF kills him. JUDY runs to DE LORDY's fallen body. JUDY You've killed him ... Kill me too. He obliges. While all this is happening RAY has thrown SONNY to the ground. STEVE has been ducking a few wild shots and, as we know, the grass is very wet. He gets a laser burn across his forehead, he slips, slides and rolls out of sight and out of mind. In fact, he's out for the count. OLD QUEEN Okay! Okay! Hold your fire! JANET I know this place. OLD QUEEN Can it, sister. Okay. What the hell is going on here? RAY Riff Raff is killing your son, in that house, even as we speak. RIFF RAFF I am not! OLD QUEEN RIFF RAFF, IS THIS TRUE? RIFF RAFF No! I would never do such a thing. DE LORDY raises himself weakly from his prone position. DE LORDY He is, it's true. He came back here to try and change the past and save his neck. RIFF RAFF I didn't, I didn't. DE LORDY He did. Your precious son, the noble Frank 'N' Furter is in that house being assassinated by him, and I'm glad. Do you hear me? Glad ... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. RIFF gives him another blast of laser juice. JANET It's true. I was here - there - here when it happened. It's all coming back to me now. OLD QUEEN Okay, troops, get your asses into that house and stop what ever's happening in there. (some of the TRANNIES hang back) All of you, move it. The HORDES run towards the house. RIFF hides behind a tree (or anything). MARY LOU tries to comfort JANET who keeps telling her and the OLD QUEEN that 'she knows this place'. RAY and SONNY keep their heads down. SONNY keeps saying how great it all is. As the TROOPS get into the house and close to its windows and walls, the house takes off and all of them are killed in the blast. As one of the GUARDS gets thrown on his back, his laser is fired and poor old RAY gets it between the shoulder blades. We are now left with a small group of survivors; the OLD QUEEN, MARY LOU, JANET, SONNY and RIFF RAFF. They all gather around the dying RAY. JANET looks at SONNY. JANET Are you Frank 'N' Furter? You look like Frank 'N' Furter. RAY He's his son. Your son, Janet. Don't you remember? I know he looks a little old for his age but he always has. You were in a drunken stupor the day he was born. I ah ... I'm going now ... so ... look after ... him for me ... He dies. SONNY crosses to JANET and slipping his arms around her waist he kisses her passionately. SONNY Hi sweet Momma. OLD QUEEN He is his father's son. Come to grandma and give her some of what she wants. SONNY Anytime, Grandma, anytime. He gets real steamy with her and I'm afraid to say it's all a little too much for the old girl. OLD QUEEN OH! OH! ... Oh the excitement ... I oh my heart ... Oh baby! She keels over. SONNY Well, what do you know? I guess that makes me numero uno now. RIFF RAFF The Big Furter. They all turn and are aware of RIFF as if for the first time. They also note that he is still holding the pitchfork laser. SONNY ... I hope you're not thinking of using that thing, Riff. RIFF RAFF On the contrary, I would never harm a hair on the head of a Royal Furter. My only wish is to serve. SONNY That's good, because I'm going to need a man like you, and first off, you can get us out of here and back to our own time. Then you can take us to that place of enchantment. RIFF RAFF The planet of Transsexual in the Galaxy of Transylvania. SONNY Damn right! Lead the way. They walk away with RIFF leading and SONNY following with his arms around JANET and MARY LOU and his hands on their behinds. They disappear into the rain. We stay at a LONG and LOW SHOT and watch them go. We TIGHTEN FOCUS and see STEVE in CLOSE UP. He shakes his head and looks around himself. The lawn is littered with bodies. STEVE Hey! Where is everybody? We CUT TO 62. INT. THE PALACE OF THE NEW FURTER. ETERNAL NIGHT. It's just your average Transylvanian, gothic, rococo, glittering coronation scene. SONNY is up on the royal deck chair and standing behind him are JANET and MARY LOU. To one side, lurking in the crowd, we see RIFF. The Royal Tiara is placed upon SONNY's head, and, it has to be said, that he does look splendid. The SMALL PERSON steps forward. SMALL PERSON Long live Sonny Furter, son of Frank, grandson of the Old Queen and Great Furter to us all. ALL Hail to you, Great Furter, lace curtain, silk stocking and panty waist. SONNY What can I always expect? ALL LOVE AND RESPECT SONNY WHAT MUST YOU ALWAYS PROJECT? ALL LOVE AND RESPECT "LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME" SONNY: THIS IS A BRAND NEW BEGINNING YES, THIS TIME YOU'RE GOING TO BE FREE TO KNEEL AT THE ALTER AND FEEL YOURSELF FALTER SEDUCED BY THE BEAUTY YOU SEE AND THE HYMN TO THE HIM YOU'LL BE SINGING WILL UNLOCK IN ITS DOXOLOGY THAT ABOVE ALL YOUR NEW JOY YOU LOVE A NEW BOY YES, LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME (GONNA) TO BUMP AND GRIND (GONNA) TO STRUT MY STUFF AND YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF WHAT I'VE GOT AND I'VE GOT A LOT OF SO MUCH COOL THAT I'M RED HOT LET ME TELL YOU WHO'S THE STAR TO SET YOU FREE YES, LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME SOME DAME WAS NAMED AFTER HEAVEN'S QUEEN A FAKE PRINCE CLAIMED HE WAS A SEX MACHINE SO SAVE YOUR TIME AND YOUR LOYALTY REMEMBER I'M TRUE ROYALTY IF YOU'RE THINKING WHO'S THE KING OF ECSTASY IT'S, LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME ALL (MID 8): YOU'RE MORE THAN A KING YOU'RE OUR EVERYTHING THE TRUE BLUE MESSIAH OF OUR NEW DESIRE OUR MOJO OUR FETISH WHO'S OH SO COQUETTISH OUR GYMNASTIC VENUS WITH THE DYNASTIC GENUS AND WE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT SONNY: I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED I'M HOLDING NOTHING BACK UNTIL I HEAR YOU PLEAD FOR A HEART ATTACK I'LL BE YOUR SUGAR PLUM UNTIL IT'S YOUR DEATH DAY AND THEN I'M GONNA COME AND TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY WHO GIVES HIS WHOLE UN-CHARTED SOUL TO THEE? YES, LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME. IT'S LITTLE OLD HEART STOPPING ME. This of course will be a fairly big production number, during which RIFF sneaks away. It's possible that we might cut away to STEVE staggering back out of the gate of the OLD HOUSE as the rain stops and dawn begins to break. At the conclusion of the song we CUT TO 63. EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET. DENTON. THE PAST. EARLY MORNING. The storm has finished and we are in a quiet, small American town suburb of around fifteen years ago. We see STEVE looking very rough after his ordeal. He is dirty and muddy with grass stains all over his clothes. He's also in need of a shave. He stands in front of one of the neat little houses and shouts at the window. Inside the same window, we see a terrified WOMAN hugging a BOY who is about fifteen years younger than STEVE. STEVE But you've got to let me in, Mom! I'm Steve, your son Steve. Hey listen, Steve, I'm you, only older. I'm trapped in the past. Aliens did it. I can't get back. Riff Raff must have destroyed the Transducer back at the Holiday Inn. I know it sounds crazy, it is crazy, but it's true, Steve, I'm you, you're me, only younger. Why don't you let me in? Why don't you listen? The COPS arrive and start to drag him away. STEVE No! no! Listen, listen .. they're here. They're everywhere, Alaska, Washington, all over. They use the showers, the showers. We go into TIGHT CLOSE-UP on him. STEVE KEEP WATCHING THE SHOWERS!!! We CUT TO 64. INT. RIFF RAFF'S CHAMBER. ETERNAL NIGHT. He is closing the door behind him, making sure that the bolt is across. Then he glides towards Magenta's coffin. He strokes its surface and then gently lifts the lid. RIFF RAFF Hi honey, I'm home. He starts to climb inside. We go into END TITLES. THE END |
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